You Can't Go Back

This is definitely not my usual topic for posting but I felt the need to just get it out, if only for myself.

Recently I've been thinking back to my freshman year--1987. I can't believe 22 years have gone by and I'm sure it's just getting older that has made me think back to that time. I remember sitting in one of my English classes (that was my major). I was much quieter back then and kept to myself for the most part. One day this tall, good looking guy approached me and asked if he could sit with me. "ME?" He totally surprised me with this request. We got to know each other and soon were in other classes together. We went out for drinks to the home of a professor. We went to the symphony (we had a Russian history class together and the Russian Orchestra was in town), studied together and researched our papers together.

I was definitely falling for him but acted cool, not really knowing what his feelings were and confused about my own. I have no idea what happened but we just lost touch (at least that's what I think happened--age will do that to you or, maybe I'm blocking it out). I think that emotionally I was just immature for a serious relationship and I held back. What would have happened if I had stated my feelings?

Anyway, I was having coffee with a friend last night and for some reason I mentioned how I wondered what happened to this guy, was he married, etc. I tried looking him up before but couldn't exactly remember his last name. I just happened to be checking up on a name at the university for a job when I saw his name (I had it totally wrong, btw). Just for the sake of my curiosity I typed his name into facebook and there he was, 22 years older but still as attractive as ever. I scrolled down, no comment on status until I saw the picture of the wife and child, of course.

I would totally have contacted him if he was single but wouldn't do it now. Or should I? I should just let the past stay in the past but I can't help wondering what happened all those years ago. Was it something I said? I believe now that it was what I didn't say. At the ripe old age of 41 I would no longer hold back on how I feel. I wouldn't worry about whether he like me, blah, blah, blah. Life is too short for regrets and I definitely don't want any more than I have now.

What would you do? Is there someone that you have wondered about over the years?

Ah love--it hurts sometimes but I wouldn't want to live without it.